To see

The noise, the chatter, and the joy portrayed outside, is abruptly stopped each time the day ends. the stark contrast of 
waiting for the impending doom, knowing what's to come, but not knowing how to react. uncomfortable silences, the awkwardness, the feeling of hopelessness hanging in the air. all knowing what's to come, but not daring to say a word. the pretend joyousness doesn't even have to slowly fade, it just halts as each of them preoccupy themselves. no discussions, no sharing of any knowledge. no weaknesses are shown, nor are the strengths. simply separate lives connected by a common unspoken cause. 

the mess and the apparent neglect is overwhelming. the elephant prevents anyone from saying anything, from anyone doing anything. even the cat knows something is wrong. it's just so expected, so cliché, so obvious, that makes it so unexpected. the misunderstanding i can't be bothered to correct, the knowledge of what's to come that's weighing down the shoulders making it impossible to do anything or care about anything else. 

i used to wish you shouldn't just leave, that a goodbye should be in order. and then i changed my thinking and would much rather just leave just like that, hard and fast. it's funny how now i'm not really sure if it's any better watching someone get the life sucked out of them slowly and painfully. 

we all have our own coping mechanisms. i can hear others while i do mine. oh well. this entry is starting to sound really lame and cluttered and i can't be bothered to read it over and edit either. fuck it. 

oh and one more thing. if you don't know anything and you're reading this, please don't message me and ask me what's wrong blah blah blah. kthxbye

-date and time is probably arnd this time. it's a saved draft-

it's like, it's nothing more than a faint distant memory. noone would remember the exact dates, of paying any respect, or anything at all. everyone feels uncomfortable talking about it, like something hanging in the air punctuated with uncomfortable silence. it's not that people forget really. it's not something you'd easily forget. it's just that they'd rather just try to or brush it aside and carry on living. perfectly understandable really. but i guess it just seems like i'm the only one who bothers to hang on to the memory, grasping it, refusing to let go. albeit lightly and almost slipping out of my reach it's still there. constant reminders. constant refusals of release. 

and i look out and i try to reach out to those who should have some fond faint memories but i receive no response and hardly any acknowledgement. do people not remember? the impact it has made, the impact of the mere existence. the impact of the current non existence

and yet sometimes over the years memories do fade away. numbers and statistics get forgotten along the way. it's human nature really. we forget. we need to constantly remind ourselves of what's not there anymore. and we get filled with overwhelming guilt that we can't just put away when we are somehow reminded of our neglect. and that's when the uncomfortable silence comes on, unsure of what to say and how to react. 

it may not be there anymore. it may not be ideal. but it was. and at one point of time, it would have affected you too. and to some, you wouldn't be here if not for that. you would not be who you are now at all. 

and to those who aren't the ones unsure of how to react or what to say, to those who were never involved, to those who were not affected, they say it's best forgotten and it's best to move on. but see now. yes we've all moved on. we're still here, and we're still living, and we're going about doing our everyday mundane tasks. but no, it doesn't mean we should forget.

i guess i just think that people come and go all the time. it makes no difference to me where you are now and what you're doing because you're nothing more than another one of the many many people here. and one of the even more who have been here. everything just basically comes and goes all the time. you would have crossed paths with someone, erveryone has their own part to play. that insignificant guy selling fruits along the road, that guy in the train, the teacher back in school, your father, the ex colleague. everyone who have touched you along the way, whether or not creating any effect. 

Gasping in mock horror she exclaimed, "oh my! Is that honesty i detect?" Ah. And in no less than a cryptic form of communication; vague, and open to interpretation. Now now, we've had enough haven't we? What we want, really, is pure simple honesty. Explode if you must, trigger something, burst the little bubble, anything. Funny really how one has always hated lies and lying and liars all of their life and all of a sudden seem to constantly surround oneself in them. Practically immersing and not quite caring as much. It's gone to the point of oh hell who the hell cares. But everything would have its limits, especially if it's affecting one's financial, mental, and physical self. It's getting too ridiculous. Wild stories, and you're surprised that they talk? Fear of confrontation about anything that actually matter yet brimming with confidence when it comes to shit noone cares about and trivialities of the everyday. we don't believe half of what you say. Spinning spinning spinning before you know it there's this huge entangled mess. Spin some more to get out of it. Kinda making it worse really. yes yes we all like escapism. But you're doing it all wrong.

it's like being plunged unwillingly into a deep dark hole as cliché as it may sound. like being thrust deeper and deeper and it seems like it's a spiral but it's just a straight downhill cylinder of blackness. nothing quite makes sense anymore. nothing seems to matter anymore. all we know is we're going down and there's no way back up. forget everything while we fade into the background and become one with the surrounding. close your metaphoric eyes and slowly fade into non existence. 

And so it begins. Thought id be writing more, surprisingly have not been doing so. I am exhausted. My life has been reduced to constantly numbing myself to feel any form of emotion. I am avoiding people and not caring much for anyone at all. There is limited human interaction. The television is my best friend. Social networking sites exist but they annoy me at times. It has too much of society wrapped in a snow globe, watching everything swirl around in a round glass ball. the limited contact i have does not mean much. I don't look forward to meeting, nor of doing anything at all. i find myself much rather being by myself. The only one I'd bother with is a dear friend but only becauae it's easy, convenient, and they get me. All my friends, all my best friends, everyone has their own lives. That's what happens in life. They have them. Mine has been reduced to a crumbling piece of questionable nothingness. The lack of direction, the fact that life never held any meaning in the first place, the overwhelming despair. Even the neurotic mind is not functional anymore. It has become nothing more than a hollow shell. Waiting. Not even waiting really. Just there. Devoid of all passion, devoid of any intelligence, of any substance at all. It's just there. Like the block of wood untouched at the corner of the room noone ever notices. It doesn't move, it doesn't feel, it's just there. But still. Cogito ergo sum. but that doesnt really mean anything. So what if i am? What does that tell you? I didnt ask to be here. Not that i know of anyway. I dont know why im still here. How i managed to last this long at all. oh wells. Im actually going to post this publicly for a change. Hell. Why not. Nothing really means anything anymore anyway. Welcome to the inside of my mind.

Our tendency to stray often takes over. We must remember what we're here for. What we're supposed to look towards. What would life mean at all without any goal regardless the term. So keep reminding yourself that, keep it in mind. Don't snap just yet, we're not ready. Keep it in. The worthless puny imbeciles don't matter. We're bigger than that. Stay focused my dear strays. Stay on track.

it lacked meaning to begin with and we feed ourselves with false pretences and shallow little desires. we feed ourselves with trivial worries. but all these little dreams, all these little ants in the sandbox, they make up the sandbox.  it's pointless, it's terribly redundant, and nothing but a vicious cycle. so we comfort ourselves with the little trivialities. we smear our lives with hopes, and dreams, and aspirations; giving us something to look forward to, something to work towards, something to keep us sane. but what happens after the achievement of the unattainable? what happens to us who lack any direction at all, who lack any form of motivation who lack any sort of ambition of any kind? and that's where conformity becomes a priority. these backseat drivers who'd do anything the others say. blind faith comforts us. it's easy, it hardly uses any brainpower, and best of all it gives us strong desire and willpower to live.

honestly. 

i think this is just bullshit. 

so i cant remember what new year resolution i made last year. but i do know that my 2011 was basically just me settling down in society. the typical let's get a job, earn money, save up, get married, have children, and die. i didnt do everything on the list but i was getting there.

and i know that's not me. that's not how i want my life to be.

the whole freaking 2011 was me building that life. sure, i got money from that and i got the experience of what it will be like if i did settle. 

no.

my 2012 resolution is now to screw that shit. i need more meaning in my life. i want to travel more. i want to meet more people. i don't want to stay in singapore i dont want to be friends with singaporeans only. i want to travel and experience different cultures. i want to move away. i need to get out. i want things to be awesome. i want to trip. i want to go for trips. i can't settle here. 

i meet people who are earning $15 a month and volunteering for shelters and they're much happier than me who's earning much more than that and living in this materialistic capitalist society. this is just not me. i was so unhappy. 

2012 is going to be different. i will stay here. i will continue doing this damn job. i will save. i will research, i will learn. i swear. if i believe it hard enough it will happen.